Just an update

So many of you have sent emails asking how I am doing and offering prayers for me and it means so much to me even if I don't get everyone answered. I thought I would give you an update..well at least as much of an update as I can since I still don't know what the hell is going on!! LOL!

I saw the neurosurgeon on the 15th. I have known this man for almost 20 years since working with him in the OR and again as my surgeon when he did the fusion in my neck, and I think the world of him. Apparently, others also have the same opinion since he is rated one of the top neurosurgeons in the country...lucky me! Anyway, he had told me after doing my neck, that he really did not want to do anything to my lower back since it was in such bad shape. My spine has been deteriorating since I was in my 20's , maybe even before but that was when we discovered it after herniating a disc lifting a patient. What I needed then was a fusion in the lumbar area but there were no good vertebrae to fuse to and if he did do a fusion, it would severely jeopardize the thoracic area which was not much better. Fast forward to now, the pain and the numbness in my legs has gotten to the point that something HAS to be done before I lose the feeling in my left leg. Now, since I have this stimulator thingy in me, I cannot have an MRI and the cat scan does not show a clear enough picture for him to decide what he can risk doing so I have to have a myelogram which I am now waiting for my insurance company to approve. DH went with me for the appointment and to say that he was floored when he was going over the films was an understatement. When a lay person can see a film and see that it isn't normal......! Even I was really prepared for how bad it would look...the stenosis in some areas is really severe where it is really impeaching the spinal cord, almost every disc is in some degree of herniation due to the deterioration of my spine and the scoliosis, and probably 80% of the vertebrae have bone spurs, some of which are larger than the vertebrae themselves. To say that it was depressing looking at that mess, minimizes how I felt. I left the office in tears. (It did get me a nice breakfast though since DH felt bad!) He really doesn't know yet what he can do, have to wait until after the myelogram for that but it will mean surgery of some sort.

So, I go from having my own little pity party to a false happy face to trying to get things done that I know I won't be able to do after...the holidays are coming up, who's going to cook dinner and get everything done....I mean really!!! Can we say neurotic!!! LOL! DH has been wonderful even if he doesn't quite know what to say but he just keeps saying that it will all work out...has even sworn that he will fore go his hunting season this year! Awwwwww!

So, that is where I am at...still no real definitive answers, still in pain, still pissed off that this body is letting me down and still trying not to take the pain meds so I can stay awake if I sit down! Most of the time, I do pretty well and can put it on the back burner but there are times that it gets to me and I am a dripping puddle of tears. Not so much because this is such a terrible dreadful disease..believe me I know that there could be worse things, but because it prevents me from doing the things that I enjoy. DH surprised me with tickets to the Paul McCartney concert in Boston and it was so hard to get excited about going since I knew that I was going to be limited on getting around and that it would take me days to recover even from the drive to Boston. We did go and the concert was just absolutely awesome but I just felt bad for DH! THAT is what gets me down....Damn it! This is the time that the two of us should be off doing things we enjoy!

Okay, enough of my pity party! Really, I am okay just sometimes need to vent about it. Like I said...things could be much worse.

On an up side! DS has a girlfriend! And, WE (meaning DH and I) like her ALOT! I am just so thrilled for him. It seems like for the past couple of years his luck has been terrible and he has really had no fun! He is walking around grinning from ear to ear and I could not be happier for him and the fact that we also like her, is such a big plus! DD has started her Master's courses after getting accepted into the school she wanted so at least for the younger generation in our home, things are good!

So, there you have it. So many of you have asked when I will be doing memberships again and I really do not know what to tell you. I do not want to open them up and then not be able to fulfill my commitments to you. Right now, even when I try to sit and design, either the pain gets to me or I find myself nodding off at the computer! LOL! My snoring wakes me up so I just shut it down and go lay down before I fall out of my chair! These Golden Years ain't what MaMa promised!!!

Hugs to you all! Thank you all for the prayers and messages. You, my very special cyber-friends, really bring sunshine into my life!!