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Friday, September 18, 2009

Just an update

So many of you have sent emails asking how I am doing and offering prayers for me and it means so much to me even if I don't get everyone answered. I thought I would give you an update..well at least as much of an update as I can since I still don't know what the hell is going on!! LOL!

I saw the neurosurgeon on the 15th. I have known this man for almost 20 years since working with him in the OR and again as my surgeon when he did the fusion in my neck, and I think the world of him. Apparently, others also have the same opinion since he is rated one of the top neurosurgeons in the country...lucky me! Anyway, he had told me after doing my neck, that he really did not want to do anything to my lower back since it was in such bad shape. My spine has been deteriorating since I was in my 20's , maybe even before but that was when we discovered it after herniating a disc lifting a patient. What I needed then was a fusion in the lumbar area but there were no good vertebrae to fuse to and if he did do a fusion, it would severely jeopardize the thoracic area which was not much better. Fast forward to now, the pain and the numbness in my legs has gotten to the point that something HAS to be done before I lose the feeling in my left leg. Now, since I have this stimulator thingy in me, I cannot have an MRI and the cat scan does not show a clear enough picture for him to decide what he can risk doing so I have to have a myelogram which I am now waiting for my insurance company to approve. DH went with me for the appointment and to say that he was floored when he was going over the films was an understatement. When a lay person can see a film and see that it isn't normal......! Even I was really prepared for how bad it would look...the stenosis in some areas is really severe where it is really impeaching the spinal cord, almost every disc is in some degree of herniation due to the deterioration of my spine and the scoliosis, and probably 80% of the vertebrae have bone spurs, some of which are larger than the vertebrae themselves. To say that it was depressing looking at that mess, minimizes how I felt. I left the office in tears. (It did get me a nice breakfast though since DH felt bad!) He really doesn't know yet what he can do, have to wait until after the myelogram for that but it will mean surgery of some sort.

So, I go from having my own little pity party to a false happy face to trying to get things done that I know I won't be able to do after...the holidays are coming up, who's going to cook dinner and get everything done....I mean really!!! Can we say neurotic!!! LOL! DH has been wonderful even if he doesn't quite know what to say but he just keeps saying that it will all work out...has even sworn that he will fore go his hunting season this year! Awwwwww!

So, that is where I am at...still no real definitive answers, still in pain, still pissed off that this body is letting me down and still trying not to take the pain meds so I can stay awake if I sit down! Most of the time, I do pretty well and can put it on the back burner but there are times that it gets to me and I am a dripping puddle of tears. Not so much because this is such a terrible dreadful disease..believe me I know that there could be worse things, but because it prevents me from doing the things that I enjoy. DH surprised me with tickets to the Paul McCartney concert in Boston and it was so hard to get excited about going since I knew that I was going to be limited on getting around and that it would take me days to recover even from the drive to Boston. We did go and the concert was just absolutely awesome but I just felt bad for DH! THAT is what gets me down....Damn it! This is the time that the two of us should be off doing things we enjoy!

Okay, enough of my pity party! Really, I am okay just sometimes need to vent about it. Like I said...things could be much worse.

On an up side! DS has a girlfriend! And, WE (meaning DH and I) like her ALOT! I am just so thrilled for him. It seems like for the past couple of years his luck has been terrible and he has really had no fun! He is walking around grinning from ear to ear and I could not be happier for him and the fact that we also like her, is such a big plus! DD has started her Master's courses after getting accepted into the school she wanted so at least for the younger generation in our home, things are good!

So, there you have it. So many of you have asked when I will be doing memberships again and I really do not know what to tell you. I do not want to open them up and then not be able to fulfill my commitments to you. Right now, even when I try to sit and design, either the pain gets to me or I find myself nodding off at the computer! LOL! My snoring wakes me up so I just shut it down and go lay down before I fall out of my chair! These Golden Years ain't what MaMa promised!!!

Hugs to you all! Thank you all for the prayers and messages. You, my very special cyber-friends, really bring sunshine into my life!!


paperlady-Joan said...

Thank you so much for the update. You know that you can always vent to us on any problem. I love your positive attitude. Glad things are going well for your kids. I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.

rebelmom06 said...

As you know, many of us that have found your site and have had memberships to your great kits, have been following your updates. I won't say I feel sorry for you because you don't need our pity. You need our support and prayers. THIS we can give you, and I hope you know that there are many like me out here hoping the best for you. I would like to say that I hope you get to the point where you can give us the great kits again, but that is selfish and I really only hope that you get well enough to enjoy life! We wish you well!

Anonymous said...

WOW - what a mess you are in - yes, a prayer or 5 are needed for you. I will put you on our prayer list, can't hurt, right! Please keep us posted when you can.

grammadiane said...

Oh sure have your plate full and then some....I feel soooo bad for you but like you have to deal with it one day at a time....I am a Sr. and believe me it definitely is NO fun !!I really don't know how you do it sweetheart....I will continue to pray that they find a good answer for you and you can get on with your life pain free....I'm glad that you give us a heads up every now and then....Keep smilin' sweetie even if it is forced.....Sending a ton of *Hugs* Honey Bunny.....As the saying goes......Hang in there....Luv Grammadiane

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are having so much pain and trouble! Don't give up - some day you will look back to see how God has worked through all this to bring about joy. God bless you!

wilma730 said...

So sorry to hear of your back My prayers are with you. My daughter had the same surgery. She has the degenerative disc disease. When the back goes it seems most all good life activties are too. Good luck to you.

wilma730 said...

So sorry to hear of your back My prayers are with you. My daughter had the same surgery. She has the degenerative disc disease. When the back goes it seems most all good life activties are too. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

I sooo sympathize my hubby has spinal deterioration and it appears it's hereditary in his case. And I have a deep brain stimulator but I can be shut off for scans. That you have both is really rotten to say the least. Don't you just love waking up at the keyboard to see QWERTY written across the screen??? God Bless

ccynden said...

I have no words, my heart is just so broken for you. God bless you.

EAL Designs2 said...

Oh sweety my heart aches for you, I understand your pain, and know how hard it is to try to deal with it without taking meds. You're a strong woman.
My thoughts and prayers are always with you, and I'll send up extra prayers too, becuase I know how painful a myelogram can be, my father had 2 and passed out from the pain. When they wanted to do it to me, he refused to let them, as I was 13 and he figured I wouldn't be able to handle it if he couldn't.
I'm sending healing thoughts and prayers your way, as well as much love and hugs.

Anonymous said...

Dear Janni...can somewhat relat to your issues..albeit think I'm probably older. Long time now have had numbness/pain in legs/feet. Walking is very limited. Have been to numerous Dr.'s and so far no concrete answers. Get very discouraging and depressing. Feel DH and I should be traveling and doing things we'd both love, fishing, golfing, etc. But I'm just not able at this time. Often have pitty parties thinking WHY ME?? But know many are worse off than I am. Helped to know someone else is in same situation as myself.


Annelize Webb said...

Hi Janice

I am so very sorry to hear about your back. It must be so frustrating, painful and I am so impressed that you still seem to have cheer in your heart.

I still love hearing what is happening to you and I was really gald to see that you have written again.

Please keep on writing and I really hope you do get some good news soon.

Lots of love, hugs and kisses

Dawn Lampinen said...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you, and while I can't really feel your particular pain, I do have arthritis...have had it since I was 12. I've been doing well for the last year and a half--knock on wood, but I know that pain and the awful moods that come with not being able to do the things you want. And feeling like you are dragging those who love you down. Have you considered antidepressants? Just to get you through this trying period? I've been on them for quite a few years now, and quite frankly, wish I had been on them when I was a teenager/early adult. It has been a night and day difference in what I can handle! Hugs to you, and keep people around who can listen. I'll be here if you need me. I have a relatively pain-free shoulder! LOLOLOL ...Dawn, owner of DML Creations and Packaged To Perfection

Chris Allport said...

Dear Janni

Just a note to let you I'm thinking of you and all your family.

Lots of luv and {{{hugs}}}


Nita said...

I hope things go well for you. Take care

KittyJo said...

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I'm sure more has developed since this post, because we are now almost to Christmas, but even reading what you were going through then is awful! Even with my Fibromyalgia, I could not imagine the pain and inconvenience you are going through. I am adding you to my prayer list. Keep encouraged and don't let any negativity take you down.. it causes more pain, depression and a whole slew of other issues.
Even though I'm really late reading it, thank you for posting the update and letting us know how you're doing!

Anonymous said...

It's such a long time since we heard from you, I just wanted to let you know you are thought of.

VJ's Scrap Room said...

Hi..just stopped in to let you know I am thinking about you.Sure hope the Doc was able to do something to help you.

Huge hugs,

Evan's Eclipse said...

Hope all is well with you. I once was a member of your designs but have not digi scrapped for a while. I thought I would check your blog. I hope things have gotten better for you.

Anonymous said...

hi Janni,

I'm sorry to hear all about your medical situation, I know what you are going though I'm kind of in the same boat...if you want please read my blog I'd be happy to chat with you..

good the way I love scrapbooking too