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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Bad, Bad Blogger!

No, I didn't drop off the face of the earth although lately there have been some days when I wished I had! Just seems like I couldn't get into the swing of things lately and got into a real funk!

We just finished with a HEAT WAVE here in the Northeast and it was a killer! Too early to have had temps that high (our thermometer peaked at 104.7) and the humidity was so high that just sitting quietly was uncomfortable! Everyone was caught off guard with no air conditioners in their windows and plus with the electricity as high as it is, I for one was very reluctant to put them in! Plus, it would have meant me trying to get them up out of the cellar and in the windows! So, tried to make due with the fans but by the 4th day, I relented and put the one in my bedroom in and then the animals and I hung out in there all day! But, it was miserable! That much heat and humidity just zaps you of all energy especially when sleeping in that heat is next to impossible!

The first day of the heat wave, this brainiac got the idea to take the living room carpet up and get rid of it since it needs to be replaced and DH and DS said they would be over that day to make a "dump run". So DD and I got it out of the house which wasn't too bad since it was still early in the morning and not yet the real heat wave. Then with the living room all torn apart, it was abundantly clear that the room needed some attention so I decided to get it ready to paint! Some one call me an idiot! So, armed with spackle and sandpaper, I took down the curtains and shades, patched and sanded and got one window primed before I was a dripping sweatball with not one ounce of energy left! LOL! It is still in the same state now as it was Saturday night! Hopefully, tomorrow I will start back in! Of course when I get that room done, the dining room will look dingy and then the next room and the next. DH is a painter so this is both comical and infuriating that now I am getting the "Let's Paint" bug!

Then, we have the meltdowns! After the weekend at the cabin, it really hit home that the end was coming fast and the closer it got the more I was unsure that this is what was supposed to be happening. There definitely is something in that mountain air that makes life more pleasant because when we are up there, life is nicer and so is DH! Although a little uncomfortable, we really had fun together. Then we get back home and the same old sh-t! BUT, the eternal optimist in me starts thinking, if it CAN be nice than that must mean we should be able to work it out somehow. BUT, my family has made it very clear that they do not support my thinking and I felt caught in the middle and felt like no matter what I did, I was betraying some one. The best way to put it was it was like being on an endless roller coaster ride inside of a pressure cooker and I was physically and emotionally falling apart. Not eating (okay, maybe that isn't such a bad thing as my spreading hips will attest to), not sleeping, throwing up, my hands shaking so bad I dropped everything, my BP sky high, pain tolerance at an all time low, irritable beyond get the picture! Finally, a family member did something that just crossed the line and got the lawyers involved and I got my Irish up and just blew! As I was talking to my lawyer, he said, "It sounds like you are wavering. And from the way you sound, I really don't think that you are in any state to make any final decisions. Take a couple of days, calm down and call me as to whether you want me to proceed or ask for a continuance."

Now, I am normally very much the people pleaser putting what I want on the back burner while I make sure EVERYONE else is happy. Been that way my entire life which is too damn long! I sat down with the "family" and told them that this is not what I wanted, that I wanted to see if DH and I could work some things out. Not looking for an immediate solution here but I want that option without everyone putting their two cents in and they could either support me in my decision or not, I really didn't care but that I was going to follow my heart and do what I wanted for maybe the first time in my life. Would love to tell you that my "stand" was applauded by everyone but I can't BUT I think I got my point across and it has been "calmer" and "less intrusive" and much quieter without all the unsolicited opinions been thrown at me.

Then it was time to take the same stand with DH! He was feeling the same as I was...not wanting the divorce but he also realizes that he needs to get his life in order before we can have a life together. We talked for about 5 hours and it was a good talk or maybe I should say a good 'listen' for both of us. So we are going to take baby steps and see where it leads. He is still in his own place and will stay there until we both agree that we have cleaned out our closets of all the BS and dysfunctional behavior, mine and, of course (LOL), mostly his!

My lawyer is now convinced that I am certifiable but, God bless him, he is supporting me and still counseling me as to protecting myself if things should not work out. He really is like the anti-lawyer and not at all like the lawyer jokes!

The kids are happy and I feel like a weight has been lifted. Not giddy like a school girl but cautiously optimistic. So, say a prayer for us and if you see my DH, give him a little kick in the butt to get going! He really is a great guy with a huge heart...just a little more baggage that is so very hard for him to deal with.

So that is it in a nutshell...sorry to have bent your ears for so long but I thought I owed you some explanation. I really have not had designing in my heart lately and hopefully, now things will be better. Gotta tell you that I really don't know what I was thinking when I decided to do a wedding kit with all this going on! LOL! Of all things....just pour salt in the wounds!

I am not even sure what I have on my computer for kits right now because I just almost didn't care. Tomorrow I will go through and see what is ready and get something posted, pick the wedding winner and, generally get back to business!

Thanks for your patience and really have been life savers!


Sandra said...

Jannigirl, you know in your heart what is good for you and no one can wear your shoes but you. I think it's wonderful that you and DH are communicating and now that you are, keep those lines open! Maybe you both just needed a good break from one another to see what needed fixin. I feel it's a good thing that you both will continue to live separate because that gives you both the space you need and no pressure. Very mature decisions -- and anyone will take a healthy dose of less stress!! Way to go! You have my full support as always. ~8)

Anonymous said...

Hi Janice
Don't worry about kits just take care of yourself. I hope it all works out as you want it!! I too have been through this and being the youngest ( am now 57 ) my sisters always try and interfere with what I do, I finally had enough and told them to back off and let me do what I wanted LOL. Just keep in touch we are all behind you. Hugs Marilyn UK

MaggieM said...

It was very nice to hear that you are OK. You followed your heart and that's what you should do. Take it one day at a time. Good Luck and God Bless you, today and tomorrow.

Sharon aka Scrapcat4914 said...

Morning Jannidee!!!!!
Keeping you & your family in my prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUGE GIANT HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christina Brady said...

Just read your blog and I too have always been a people pleaser so Here is my 2 cents you can take or leave them I don't know if they will help or not. Everyones situations and feelings are different but I have found a book call. How to get what you want and want what you have. It talks about love tanks and how you need each different love tanks to be full in order to feel balance. So if you are a reader then go get that book it's amazing. It's also on audio book. "How to get what you want and want what you have", by John Gray

ida macken said...

Wishing you good luck Janice, either way you two decide. You are right that it's between you and hubby - not about anyone else right now. Am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers {{{Hugs}}}

Carolyn said...

Janice, you just take your time and get your life back on track. I hope you will come to some decision with DH and that peace will reign in your heart and your home!

lwlittlebit said...

I'm so glad to hear that you and your DH are trying to work things out. It's no wonder the divorce upset you so....deep down you really didn't want it. Take your time and take baby steps like you said. Do what it takes to make YOU
happy. If you're happy, everything else will fall into place. Sending prayers up for you.
(((HUGS))) Linda

Lucy said...

Janni, follow your heart sweetie, I went thru the same thing 14 years ago and you know whats best for goodness girl! take it easy with all the painting too, please don't exhaust yourself.

we love you and my prayers are with you thru this difficult time.

Don't worry about us kids I'm sure the wedding kit can wait a bit longer.

Take care sweetie!

Lori said...

Bless your little heart hun. I think that you are doing the right thing...not that you need my opinion. lol But needing everyone to back off is important so telling them to back off was a good thing and you were right for doing it. You are doing what YOU think is right for YOU! So YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Positive thoughts and vibes your way... :)

sweetheaven said...

I hope things work out for you and your husband. I know it's a hard time you are going through. Been there done that myself. I for one think it is great you are following your heart. To many people think it easier to quit then try and make it work. You stick to your guns. I wish you the best and you can bend my ear any time

Scraps of Candy said...

Please know I am praying for you and your husband.

Trisha said...

I wish you and your family all the very best. I'll keep you in my prayers that all works out perfectly in the end. Good luck!

Judy said...

Good to hear that you and hubby are going to try and work things out....I hope everything works out for you in the end no matter which way you go. We are happy to good designing just cause you feel you have to. Sending hugs

t.allman said...

Life sure isn't a bed of roses is it! If only there was a manual with explicit instructions. Unfortunately we have to wing it as we go along. And only you can know what is right for you and your hubby. Boy they can be a lot of work! Hope things work out for you. I really hate to see you taking your frustrations out on all that painting and housework. LOL Take it easy in this heat.

Jonimarony said...

Hi, Janice,
Don't worry about the kits. Get yourself right with the world and everyhing else will fall into place. Know that we care about you and are here to listen if you need to vent and if asked give our 2 cents worth. Been in your shoes many years ago and wish that I would have done what my heart told me and not what I thought I should do. It still might not have worked out but at least I would not be able to say "If only" because I would have done it. Just remember to take care of yourself first because if your not ok nothing else will be either. I will be keeping you and yours in my prays....Joni

renny said...

I live in the northeast too. That heat wave was a killer. I did a outside show during it...setting up and breaking down and ended up with a awesome sunburn. I must have lost 10 lbs in sweat...and i don't need to lose any weight!
You do what you need to do and don't worry about us. I have been in your shoes and understand completely.

Carole N. said...

Janice, I am so happy to read that you are taking things slow and easy.
It's none of my business, but I think you are looking at this in a mature way and not wanting to make a decision you may regret later. By giving yourselves some time you will know when the time comes what it is you both want.

Like you, I have always been a people pleaser and the caregiver in both our families. I can't tell you the toll it takes on a person's body. NOT GOOD.
so...I can relate to all the physical problems you are having.

Someone once told me that the only person you ever have to answer to is God. I know it's nice to have family support at a time like this, but it is your life and you have to do what is right for you.

PLEASE don't worry about designing kits. If we never get another one we have certainly gotten our money's worth. I just miss YOU.

Saying prayers that everything will turn out for the best for you and when the time comes you will know you have made the right decision whether you stay together or not.

Love and hugs!

Nancy72 said...

Sugarplum...whatever is between you and DH is definitely only the business of you and DH!!! Luckily...we are only responsible for our own decisions and not those of anyone else...;o)
Good luck...may all go well... whatever you decide.

Much love and many blessings,

Pooh Bear said...

Oh goodness... as if you didn't have enough on your plate.. the weather smacks you. My prayers are with you and your family. I pray that blessing will be sent to you. Lord, surround Janni and her family. Keep them safe and guide them and their lives. amen

Wendy said...

((((Janni))) I'm glad you were able to take your stand with your family. They mean well but they are not the ones living with your decisions, you are the one that lives with it and families need to respect that. But at the same time, it's probably better to keep details and vents about the relationship out of conversation with them, too. You sound peaceful with this change, I'm glad for you!! (((more hugs)))

Traci said...

Jani...I'm so glad to hear that you're going to do what is good for YOU. As someone who has always, always done the same thing, I know how it feels to FINALLY say, "this is what I want". Good for you! For what it's worth, you have my support and and all the time! You do what YOU need to do. Hang in, girlfriend.

Brenda said...

I applaud you! Putting yourself in first place is hard, but eventually it's the best thing you can do.
Great to hear you're communicating with each other. I have that kind of problem with my husband also, but we're working on it ;)
Living seperate can give so much relieve. And don't listen to much to what other people want to tell you to do. They are not in the same position, it's as simple as that.
All the best for the both of you!
Hugs, Brenda

Joanne said...

In my life, I have had to learn so much about forgiveness....I lost nine years of my life..I will never get back..nine years..of being the best mommy I could be..being the mommy and wife I wanted to boys..learned to fend for themselves..
you know what was the saddest thing I lost in those nine years..
supper and saying grace at the kitchen boys..lived on easy to cook food..ate in front of there tvs or computers..while their mother..slept away almost 18 hours a up crawled to work..came home fell asleep..sitting an talking to one of them..and for that entire medical care providers..told me nothing was wrong with me..after nine long years of it..I ended up in icu..nearly dead..all because one nurse was in a go home to her man for supper and did not do a referral that was supposed to be done..and I was to remember even being there..
If I could have one thing would be raising my boy..with the family having supper every night at the kitchen table..the conversation over meal..and that special time with home cooked food not the processed food they learned to eat..
and while I stuggle to undo the damage to my bones, kidneys and heart..because of that mistake..and find my way back to the women I physically once was..what really matters is what is in your is the only place to find forgiveness of each other in life..the hardest place for life not to infulence.and the one thing we so often forget to trust..I wish you..what is in your heart..